Some days aren't easy CW: talk of food

I'm writing this post after struggling through lunch and want to just move past that, so I decided to write about it. First of all, me just wanting to push past the discomfort is me avoiding my emotions and I'm trying to sit in those. I thought this would be an interesting post because it's important to recognize the ups and downs in recovery.

I wanted sushi for lunch and had my heart set on it, but they were out of rice so I had to practice some flexibility in the moment. I got a "Mexican bowl" that had a base of lettuce, pico de gallo, cheese, guacamole, corn, and beans. I don't personally like loose corn or beans but I needed protein and a starch. I also got a root beer and a bag of chips. I finished the chips with ease. Then came the bowl. I suddenly wasn't interested in it. My appetite had gone. I started eating it and really didn't like it. I started to get anxious. I need to finish my meals. Relapse is the scariest thing in the world right now and I'm not letting myself fall back into those patterns. I got a little shaky as I do when I'm anxious, and my stomach started to flip. I told myself I needed to eat and finish this stupid meal.

I didn't finish the meal. I took a few more bites and decided to throw it away. Sometimes you have to eat things you don't like. Sometimes you just feel like you can't. I decided I'd buy some dumplings. I threw away my bowl before checking to see if there were dumplings. There were no dumplings. I got even more anxious, my backup plan had failed. The shakes and nausea increased. I got a quesadilla. These are easy for me to eat. My anxiety had taken over my stomach at this point and I felt like I was going to hurl. I sat down with my quesadilla and turned on Saturday Night Live. I finished half the quesadilla and threw out the rest.

This is an example of practicing flexibility. When someone doesn't like what they have to eat, they get something else. Even though I ate and I'm pretty sure I met all of my exchanges for this meal, I'm still really stressed. I had that voice in my head telling me I don't need to eat and to just forget about it all. That's what's scary. That voice is still there. I'm trying so hard to live without it, to shut it down every time it comes up, but it's hard and exhausting work.

Basically, even though I'm doing well in my recovery, there are still hard moments. Moments I think I need to be back in treatment, moments I'm scared someone will send me back to treatment. I'm not going back. I never want to go back, and not because it's not a fun place to be, but because I don't want my eating disorder to send me back. I hate her more than anything in the world and I look for the day I will live without that voice in my head.